ROCKWELL RETRO ENCABULATOR

ON ASKING OTHERS TO DO YOUR GOOGLING

When seeking answers use dictionary.com, weather.com, or Google instead of asking someone. If you ask someone there’s a chance they’ll need to Google it themselves to find the answer, making it a situation where you’re simply and belligerently telling people to do things for you. Refrain from utilizing someone as your “information desk” even if you plan on qualifying your request, in an inconsiderate attempt to convey you aren’t inconsiderate, with “I could look it up myself but I’m too lazy” or “I tried but gave up,” sentiments you should instead use privately as motivational statements to stop being lazy and stop giving up, rather than as “ends” to utilize as explanations to deliver, with what can seem like pride, to the people you’re targeting.

If you know the other person knows the answer to your question, and can provide it faster than the internet, it’s still recommended that you use the internet. People will appreciate you’ve considered their time, resources, priorities and chosen to refrain from interrupting their lives; these people, in the future, may appreciate your considerateness to such a degree that they feel the desire to preemptively ask if they can help you with anything—ultimately actually saving you time in the long-term (as a considerate person, however, you won’t care, ideally, about [saving time in a one-person situation], arguably an “inherently inconsiderate” concept).
Accepting no

Additionally, categorically eliminating [interrupt someone else's existence] as an option in your never-ending quest, as a conscious being, to get what you want can have the effect of increasing your levels of patience, self-control, acceptance—qualities that (1) can make it easier for you to be considerate (2) will ultimately increase your ability to get what you want.

Finally, it has been shown that with advanced forms of considerateness, often resulting less from wanting to be nice than from feeling bored by conventional goals in life, people will actually feel excited, or something like excitement—it’s been described by some, simply, as a feeling of “artistic satisfaction”—to successfully occupy a worldview that allows them to earnestly prefer [spending 90 minutes learning how to underline text in Photoshop] over [spending 30 seconds learning how to underline text in Photoshop] if the first option does not involve interrupting anyone else’s existence. (continued)

-Tao Lin 

PRO-FLUNITRAZEPAM

HELP WANTED

My beloved research assistant Peter Fusco has left the United States and so I am now in search of another scholarly man or woman who would like to assist me in my current sclerotium research project. The work will largely entail transcribing long, often tedious, technical discussions about mycology. The payment will be in burrito and/or tea when appropriate. Email me if you are interested.

PROFILED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES

ON camera Hamilton Morris has smoked Amanita muscaria fungi in Iceland, interviewed a woman who endured torture by psychedelics, rubbed the secretions of an Amazonian frog into his burns and, in Haiti, dusted himself with the voodoo zombie poison Tetrodotoxin, which was thankfully an inactive batch, since even at low doses, this neurotoxin is lethal...(continued)